It's Good To Talk … About Depression

No letter this week so I thought I would take the opportunity to look at depression. Many people use the term depression quite freely but if you have ever had or been close to some one who is suffering from depression it really can be very debilitating and have a considerable impact when trying to maintain a sense of 'normality" and "stability" .

Depression can be brought on by a life changing episode, it could be a bereavement, an accident, the break down of a relationship, the diagnosis of an illness or an array of other life changing incidents. These can cause a trigger of initial sadness which is then followed by a much deeper sense of sadness, very low mood, lethargy often difficulty sleeping and either comfort or under eating can all be common symptoms. 


Many of us tend to look for a reason for depression so that we can understand why it has happened and what can be done to stop it. The GP is often the first port of call, some are more understanding then others, some are possibly a little quick to prescribe common anti-depressants others will take a more long term view and offer counselling  and other types of support.

Some times depression simply seems to appear from nowhere, clients often say that they have no idea why they feel the way they do and so have no idea how to make themselves feel better. It may seem at first that there is no obvious trigger but often it can be something that at first glance seems quite insignificant or not even related to you that triggers some thoughts and feeling from the past. For example, it might be that a friend has a child who is being bullied at school and they talk to you about it, this could bring up your own childhood bullying that you thought you had locked well away or make you realise that you are in fact being bullied yourself at work. I


t can sometimes take a while to make a link and begin to develop and understanding as to how your depression impacts you and those around you. Once this process of exploration and reflection starts to take place it creates an awareness in you that in time will enable you to see you have choices as to how you want to live with your depression. 


Sometimes medication is needed and necessary, sometimes understanding yourself at a deeper level can provide you with the tools to spot the triggers early enough so that you can manage them more effectively in the future.

Mental health and particularly depression is still very misunderstood, its not as obvious as a broken leg but still requires the same support and care from family and friends. Many people suffer in silence and I hope that if this article does anything it helps someone to find the strength to talk to someone and seek the support that they need, be it from friends & family or a more structured support from professionals.

Take care and keep an awareness of those around you who may be silently suffering.

Warm regards

Kate

It's Good To Talk – About Job Fulfilment

Follow this blog

Dear Kate

I have been reading your column on and off for a few months and don’t know if you can help but decided to ask anyway.

I have been living in Ibiza for just over two years and have fallen in love with the island.  I was nervous about coming alone and setting up a life for myself but everyone has been really friendly and welcoming and now I have a great circle of friends, there are times when I feel a little lonely but I'm OK with that and sure there would be times back in England when I might have felt a bit lonely as well.

The real issue for me is work. I bad about complaining because I know a lot of people find it difficult to get jobs especially in the winter and I am lucky enough to have an all-year round job but I really hate it.

I'm scared to give it up as I know I am lucky to have it; I just find it so tedious and boring. The only good thing about it is that it enables me to stay here and I have made one good friend there.

Thank you very much and I hope you don’t’ think I'm being unreasonable.
TS


Dear TS

Thank you for your e-mail and I wonder why you feel you might be being unreasonable? If something is causing you anxiety or stress then that makes it important and something that you might want to explore.

People often compare how others might respond to a similar situation and feel uncomfortable that what they are experiencing is not "as important" as the problems other people may have, BUT the reality is everyone reacts to different things in their lives in a different way and therefore comparing reactions or trying to attribute a level of importance to your issue is impossible.

The only thing you need to focus on is that if it is important to you then that in itself validates it 100 per cent.

So, focussing on your issue i.e. work is important. We spend a huge amount of time at work and finding it tedious and boring must be difficult.    I suppose you have a few options; one being that you approach your boss/manager and ask if there are any additional projects/tasks or responsibilities that you can take on, explaining that you are finding that your current role is not stimulating you enough and you feel you can offer the business more then it is currently getting from you.

I am sure it is not often that employees ask for more and it could be that your manager is simply unaware of how you are feeling.

Another option would be to explore your fear of looking for an alternative post somewhere else. You have left England and set yourself up in Ibiza very successfully on your own which must have felt quite daunting at times so what is holding you back for taking that risk again and looking for another job?

I understand you may feel that your opportunities here are more limited then in England but if you were able to find, apply and be successful in your last application, is there any reason why that might not happen again?

Ibiza is a wonderful island and you sound as if you have found a place to live that real fits with who you are, it would be a shame to let your feeling about your current job impact your life outside of work, and I hope that you find a way to feel more stimulated and challenged in the near future.

Please do keep in touch and let me know how you get on.

Warm regards
Kate

It's Good To Talk - When Heading Back To Britain

Dear It’s Good to Talk

We have been in Ibiza for 17 years and till about two years ago we enjoyed living here, work in the summer has always been full on and very tiring but then we have been able to chill out and relax in the winter.

The last two years me and my wife have become very restless and have decided that it’s probably time to head back to the UK. The island has begun to feel very small and we are now looking forward to starting again back home.

The thing that worries us is that both the kids were born here, they have only ever been to the UK for holidays and see Ibiza as home, one of them is quite excited about living in the UK but the other, who is 14, really is against the idea and wants to stay here with his friends.

What do you think we should do to make the transition as easy as possible for him?

Thank you

Hi

Thank you for your letter. It seems as if you and your wife have taken your decision to move very seriously and considered it for a long period of time before finally deciding that the best thing is to move back to the UK.

Change is difficult for many people and most of us resist it at some time in our lives, especially if it’s a change over which we have no control. Your son is at a very vulnerable time in his life, all sorts of things are going on aged 14 and friends become a top priority often over family, and it can be distressing to think about having to leave them.

I am not sure of the time line you have in place for moving back, is there time to put some things in place for your son? For example would it be possible to have one or maybe two trips back to the UK before the actual move, so he can see the area in which you are going to live, maybe visit the new school and if possible make contact with a few of his classmates so there are some familiar faces for when he arrives on his first day. Does he have any hobbies or sports that he enjoys playing? Maybe you could see if there are any local groups he could join and visit them as well. I imagine it would make him much more comfortable if he knew there were some positives in place for him and he had a mental picture of where he was going.

Have you asked him what worries him about moving? Would it be possible to arrange for a friend from Ibiza to come and stay during the holidays and possibly for him to come back for a stay with them, that way he has something to look forward to.

You do not mention your other child much except to say they seem quite excited about the move. Even though this maybe the case they may also have some apprehensions and anxieties so and open discussion with both the children, letting them see that both of you also have concerns even though you feel it is the best thing for all of you, may really help you to make this move together as a team.

I hope the move goes well and that live in the UK is all that you hope.

Warm regards

Kate

It's Good To Talk – When children need to know about death

Dear Ibiza Counselling

My husband and I were wondering if you could offer us some advice. We have two children seven  and five years old and have been in Ibiza for just over a year. The move is definitely the right decision for us as a family and we are now just about settled in to a routine and are slowly building a circle of friends. Initially it was difficult for the children to get used to a new home, school and way of life but now they almost seem more settled then us!

When we decided to move we also decided to bring our dog who at the time was already 11years old, obviously the children have never known life with out her and she is very much part of the family. However time is taking its toll and in recent weeks she has become very slow, is going blind and is incontinent. We took her to the vet who said she was in kidney failure and does not have long left. He advised that we should give some thought to how we would like to proceed as she will only get worse and the decline could be quick and she may be in pain.

We have talked, and cried about what we should do and have come to the heart wrenching decision that shortly we will have to have her put down. We as adults are devastated, we got her when we first met and spent so many hours having great times with her that it is difficult to imagine walking through the door and not seeing her. So we have our own grief to deal with, some may think it silly as she’s only a dog but to us she has been part of the family.

Aside form ourselves and our beautiful dog we are also concerned about the children, they have never experienced death and we have not really had any discussions around death with them as they have not naturally come up. 

Do you think we should tell them about Molly or would it be kinder to tell them she has gone to stay with some other children? They spent hours with her in the garden and yesterday I walked in to find all three of the snuggled on the sofa watching cartoons and it broke my heart.

Please tell us how to make this as painless as possible for them

Thank you

DP

Dear DP

Thank you for your e-mail and it is good to hear that you and your family have settled in so well and are enjoying your new life on the island. 

It can be difficult for children moving to a new country with a different language, food and way of life but often they are more adaptable then adults and once they are settled in school and have made friends things can often click into place for them more easily then for us.

I am sorry to hear about Molly; dogs really do become part of the family and the decision you have had to make must have been agonising. I feel it is important before you start to tackle the issue of the children that both you and your husband take time to process what Molly’s passing means to both of you, it sounds as if you both care for her a great deal and that she played a big part in the early days of your relationship together. 

It is important not to gloss over your own feelings because you are worried about the children, and it sounds as if even though you have made the decision about her future you still have some time to spend with her, take some photos and say your good byes, maybe this should be something you and your husband do with out the children.

In terms of telling the children I feel there are three key points to bear in mind. 

Firstly choose your moment well, i.e. when you have plenty of time, they are not over excited or too tired, the house is quiet and you know you will not be disturbed. 

Secondly be honest, death is part of life and they will come across it at some point so hiding it or trying to find ways around it will, in my opinion, not serve them well for the future. 

Thirdly keep it simple and clear so they can understand. They do not need to know detail they just need to know that Molly was very old, unwell and died, and they will not see her again. 

They may or may not have questions about death and what happens when a dog or person dies, if this comes up I would also keep your answers as honest and simple as possible. Over the years as they get older then maybe that is the time to go into more details, if they ask and if it seems appropriate.

I hope this has been of some support to you and hope that you and your husband are able to have some time to say your own goodbyes to Molly in the way you would like.

Take care

Warm regards

Kate

NHS maybe wasting millions on nicotine patches

Oh surprise, surprise  … Nicotine Replacement Therapy (NRT) – whether patches, gum, sprays or inhalers – has been shown to be relatively ineffective at helping smokers quit and remain non-smokers.  Raising important questions as to whether millions of pounds of NHS funds are being wasted.

New evidence raising these doubts over NRT and of course the  pharmaceutical industry's massive campaign to promote sales,  follows research which found smokers who quit through NRT were just as likely to start again as those who stopped through will power alone.

The ten year study, conducted by Harvard School of Public Health and the University of Massachusetts,  discovered that smokers who quit through NRT were just as likely to start again as those who stopped through will power alone.

The new paper – “A prospective cohort study challenging the effectiveness of population-based medical intervention for smoking cessation”   by Hillel R Alpert, Gregory N Connolly, Lois Biener  –  examined  the  “effectiveness of nicotine replacement therapies   either with or without professional counselling, and provide evidence needed to better inform healthcare coverage decisions.

Starting in the 2000, the US researchers followed a representative sample of 1,916 adults which included 787 who had recently quit smoking.

Each participant was interviewed three times, about once every two years during the 2000s, asked about their use of gum, patches and other such products, their periods of not smoking and their relapses.

At each stage, about one-third of those trying to quit had relapsed and the use of replacement products made no difference, whether they were taken for the recommended two-month period or with the guidance of a counsellor.

Significantly the study showed the relapse rate was just as high among those using NRT as though who went “cold turkey.”

Who would have thought it eh?  Well this writer for a start. And probably also every hypnotherapist who has successfully helped people to stop smoking with   clients/patients who had previously tried patches, gums etc.

Time and again smokers who want to quit the habit have come to my practice room reporting how they had tried NRT but had failed to quit.

Fairly recently one such client was a general practitioner who said he regularly prescribed nicotine replacement for his patients but knew that for most patients it did not work.

The US findings – published in the online edition of Tobacco Control   – showed much the same outcomes for both heavy and light smokers irrespective of Is whether or not NRT was accompanied by professional cessation counselling. 

It is worth noting that in the United Kingdom the Department of Health generally claims counselling doubles the success rate.

However close examination of the UK figures shows that the failure rate for NRT is over 90 per cent

The study’s lead author, Hillel Alpert from Harvard School of Public Health’s Center for Global Tobacco Control, commented: “This study shows that using NRT is no more effective in helping people stop smoking cigarettes in the long-term than trying to quit on one's own."

"Even though other well-controlled studies have shown that nicotine replacement therapy can be effective, our study looked at real-world use over the long-term. And in the real world, cigarettes are simply a very powerful addiction. And NRT is apparently not an effective replacement for that addiction."

About ten years ago researchers at the University of California, San Diego conducted a large scale survey of NRT  – “Impact of Over-the-Counter Sales on Effectiveness of Pharmaceutical Aids for Smoking Cessation”   by John P Pierce, PhD; Elizabeth A Gilbin   – which also concluded that “since becoming available over the counter, NRT appears no longer effective in increasing long-term successful cessation in California smokers.”

It's Good to Talk

Dear Kate,

My wife has told me that she has been having an affaire; we have been together ten years and married for three. 

We met on our first day at university in the UK and have been together ever since, moving to Ibiza five years ago. I knew we were in trouble but never in my wildest dreams thought that this would happen. 

I have asked her to go to counselling but she refuses saying her mind is made up that we are over. I am totally gutted, I thought we would be together forever and we had been talking about having children. 

The additional pressure is that neither of us have  found anywhere to stay and it is so expensive here that it may take a while and in the mean time we are stuck living in the same house which is making me feel even worse especially when she “goes out”.

Any pointers you have would be really appreciated 

Thank you

Bob (not my real name)

Dear Bob

Thank you for your e-mail and sorry to hear that Christmas and New Year have been so difficult for you. 

It sounds as if you have no hope of reconciliation with your wife and are going through the motions of having to accept the situation that you now find yourself in. This can be very difficult and often brings up uncomfortable emotions, disbelieve, acceptance and anger to name a few. 

These are all completely to be expected and it is important to acknowledge them and spend a little time on reflecting how they are influencing your every day life and behaviours towards yourself and others. They will pass in time so be particularly kind to yourself during these early stages of the break up.

On a more practical note, is there no way your wife can move out even for a short period of time to give you some space to process what has gone on. I wonder why you haven’t insisted on this given it is her who has created this situation; does she not have some responsibility to create a physical situation that is easiest for you both? 

I wonder whether there is something more that is stopping you from asking her to leave? Do you have some hope still that things are redeemable?  Or maybe one of you moving out signifies a much more real and physical end to the marriage. 

Whatever it is, it might be beneficial to ask yourself some questions about how to move forward in a way that is best for you.

It does seem like you were / are fully committed to this marriage having been together for 10 years and to have started talking about children must have been a big step for both of you.

There are lots of changes that happen in the first ten years after leaving university in your 20’s and the both of you have grown up together and maybe part of that growing up has brought changes in your views on the future which could never have been foreseen.

In time you will come to terms with the new future that is now in front of you and one day it will feel exciting and challenging to be able to make those choices but for now take care and focus on you and how best you can manage both the emotional and physical implications of your situation.

All the best

Kate

It's Good To Talk ... @ End of the Year

Again no letter this week but this gives us an opportunity to reflect on the year gone by and ponder on what 2012 has in store. 

Having recently taken up yoga we have been discussing expectations and how sometimes there is a pressure to live “in the moment “, when in fact the moment is made up of experiences from the past and expectations for the future.

The past has such an effect on how we live our future that it simply can not be denied, sometimes it is used as an excuse for certain behaviours but if it does anything it offers an explanation and an explanation is not an excuse, it is an opportunity to become aware of choices and with that awareness comes the chance to make a choice that works for you and those you care about. 

The past can help us to understand how we respond to certain situations and give us the opportunity, if we explore it honestly, to decide if we want to respond in a similar way in the future or take time to reflect and make change. 

So what about the future, it can come with such hopes and fears of what it may or may not delver that sometimes it feels easier to brush it aside and focus on now. However maybe taking a look at the past it will enable us to dispel some of those fears and realise its not the expectations that cause the anxiety but how we handle the meeting or not meeting those expectations. 

This is the moment where things can get very deep and maybe as a new year dawns it is a time to keep things a bit lighter. Having said that maybe a quick glance at 2011 along with a vision for 2012 could help you make some choices that will make your 2012 move in the direction that you would like. 

Ibiza is full of a huge range of people, genders, ages, races, cultures, religions, attitudes and sexualities are all represented, what a rich melting pot that we can call on when we need to get a perspectives that we may not have come across , one that could help us make the choices that bring us more understanding of our selves and those around us. 

As the days , months and seasons pass it never ceases to amaze me how if you give to this beautiful island it certainly delivers way more then even or greatest expectations could imagine. 

Have a safe and fun filled 2012 and I hope it brings you everything that you have chosen to let it. 

Feliz Ano Nuevo
Kate

It's Good To Talk ... @ Christmas

There is no letter this week so I wanted to talk about Christmas and being away from home. For some deciding to leave the UK and make a new life in Ibiza is an escape from somewhere they didn’t want to be, no looking back, no sentimentality. Whilst for others even being safe in the knowledge that they are doing what they feel is right it can still be a huge wrench leaving family, friends and familiar surroundings.

December is a time when often minds wander back to family and friends. What are they all doing, how is the build up to the big day going have they been ice skating, looked at the festive lights, been to Santa’s grotto, remembered to open the advent calendar and woe betide them if they forget to leave the whisky and carrots out for Santa and his reindeer!

All these traditions that happen somehow can feel very different when taken out of context Christmases in Ibiza are different. Firstly the sun is bright, there is a chance that on Christmas morning you could be walking along the beach on a glorious day when part of you might be thinking where’s the snow, the cold, my wooly scarf and bobble hat.

So how do we adjust? How do we manage our expectations so that what ever happens, however Christmas transpires we feel comfortable with the choices we have made. I suppose this is where it all starts…..with the choices we have made and if somehow we can take a moment to breath, sit back and reflect on those choices we can find ourselves becoming much more confident in them and the expectations they have created within us, or more correctly the expectations we have created within ourselves.

In some ways expectations are like rules, i.e. they are made to be broken. Sometimes it may seem like so much is riding on our plans, will the table look just right , the turkey cooked to perfection, and the gifts wrapped perfectly. Sometimes those expectations are met and often they are not but it is how we choose handle the outcome that decides weather the day is a triumph or a nightmare. 

Personally I find that a sense of humour goes a long way to ensuring the first option, weighing up the importance of all the practical vs. spending quality time with people we care about and whose company we enjoy far outweighs neatly wrapped presents and perfect brussle sprouts.

So whatever your reasons for being on this wonderful island over Christmas maybe focusing on the positives, the bright sunshine on a crisp December day, the amazing sunsets, the beautiful walks and the freshest of local produce will go some way to remind you of what you have achieved by simply being here.

It's Good To Talk

Dear Ibiza Counselling,

I have been reading your column for a while and thinking about writing but to be honest I feel very self indulgent, selfish and guilty for taking the space and your time. I am feeling so awful and low but nothing of any magnitude has happened that seems to warrant it hence the guilt. Lots of little everyday “life” things are going on but I feel I have always and should now be able to cope with them but for some reason my fighting sprit seems to have vanished and I’m struggling to hold on.

We have been living on Ibiza for 9 years and really love it, obviously we have our moments but I’d say 90% of the time life is good, I have an amazing husband we are incredibly close but his father is not well so is often having to shoot back to the UK and short notice. I totally understand and expect him to do this but it does leave me with 3 kids 14, 11 & 7 who all have to get up get to school and carry on with life with out their dad being here. It also means I am left running the business for short periods on my own. I am also getting near to the age where I’m beginning to feel that my body isn’t quite what it used to be, summers and bikinis are starting to feel like a dread even though my husband says I’m beautiful and nuts for thinking any different.

So as you can see nothing really that most people don’t manage to cope with just the normal things that happen in lots of lives but for some reason I am getting very wobbly and want to try and address this before the children or my husband realise. My husband is so worried about his father that it is very important to me that I do not add to his burden.

Thank you for taking the time to read and I am sure there are some much more deserving cases that should be put in your column so please only include me if you can.

Regards
Mary (not my real name)

Dear Mary

Firstly thank you for your e mail and as long as an e mail is appropriate to the column it will get published so please do not feel that you are taking up space that someone else might use.

I think that many of us go through life “dealing” with things as they happen then the moment passes and we think we are fine, the next thing comes along we deal with that and so it continues. However at some point if we constantly do not give ourselves the time to look at how any of these things, no matter how small we think they are, may have impacted us eventually, just like a sponge, we will become full up and in very simple terms, we literally can not absorb any more.

I wonder if getting some temporary practical help, either for the business or maybe joining forces with some of the other parents to do a joint school run or home work sessions, especially whilst your husband is away will give you the time to focus on yourself a little. You are a very important person, from what you have said it feels like you are the cog that keeps the family moving, therefore it is so important that you take the time to look after yourself . This is not indulgent or selfish it is necessary to keep yourself well emotionally and physically so you can support your family and especially your husband when times are difficult.

Please do not underestimate how heart wrenching it can be watching a partner go through caring for an elderly/ unwell parent, not forgetting that you may well also have a meaningful relationship with that in-law and have your own upset to manage as well.

I think the most important thing to focus on is that you are in no way being self indulgent, selfish or doing anything that could make you feel guilty. You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of others and this means making your emotional welfare a priority and putting in place whatever you feel will help you to continue to support your husband through a very difficult period in his life.

I hope this has helped a little and please stay in touch and let me know how you get on,

Warm regards
Kate

It's Good To Talk

Firstly I would like to apologise for the absence of the column 2 weeks ago, the truth is that I got my week’s in a muddle and thought I should have been writing the following week.

Hi Kate,

I am 24 years old and have been living on the island for nearly 6 months; I love it and am having a brilliant time. My family back in the UK has been really supportive and I’m in touch with them over Skype several times a week. I have brother 2 years younger then me and he has been coming for a long weekend nearly on a monthly basis. We are close but there is a problem. He is gay and when he comes over he basically spends his first night with me and then disappears for the rest of the time wondering in when he feels like it usually in a bit of a mess before flying back to England. I love my brother and have no issue with him being gay but I am also very close to my parents and for some reason he has decided not to tell them and asked me not to. Which puts me in an awkward position because when he gets back they often say that he is moody and grumpy and they have worked out its because he goes out and has a mad time when he is here so have started asking me what “we” get up to which in tern puts me in an awkward position.

I am also beginning to resent the way he is treating my very small apartment and the fact that in reality we hardly see each other when he is here. I also worry about his safety, he is new to the scene and I am very protective of him.

Any ideas on what I should do in terms of telling my parents would be much appreciated

Many thanks
An annoyed but loving sister!


Hi

Thank you for your letter and I can hear that you are concerned and annoyed with your brother for having to keep his secret and not being able to share your worries about what he is getting up to whilst here on his monthly visits. So, there seem to be two quite distinctive issues here. The first is regarding his sexuality and the confidentiality of that.

I can understand that you feel it is a big secret to keep and that maybe you would like to be able to talk about it to others that are close to get a better understanding of it yourself. Even though it is clear you have no obvious issue with him being gay it can still come as quite a shock and it is completely normal for you to need a period of time to adjust your expectations of what his future may now look like.

I also understand that it puts you in a difficult position with your parents but I do wonder why their assumption that both of you are going out together needs to be colluded with by you. Can you not say that since begin here he has developed his own group of friends and that often you do not go out with him? This does not have to be anything to do with his sexuality does it? I also would like to understand a little more why you feel the need to tell your parents, sexuality is such a personal and important part of someone’s life and maybe if you explained to your brother who you do seem to be very close to why you are finding things so uncomfortable he might start to consider telling them himself at some point in the future which might be the better scenario for all concerned.

The second issue i.e. that of him using your apartment to come and go as he chooses is one that many islanders talk to me about, we live here and work and over the summer season we seem to be hugely popular but there has to be a balance between holiday makers coming to stay and us being able to live our day to day lives. Maybe an open and honest conversation with your brother about how you are feeling about everything will help him to understand why you are beginning to feel restful of his visits and may enable him to see the need for changes in the way he is treating you and your hospitality.

I do hope things improve for you and please do let me know
Warm regards
Kate

Please keep the emails coming this is your page and remember you could be helping someone else by airing your concerns.

As ever the e-mail address is kate@ibizacounselling.com the newly revamped web site can be found at www.ibizacouselling.com with the blog at www.thetherapypartnership.blogspot.com/

It's Good To Talk … Again

Thank you again to everyone who has shown an interest in the column, the letter below is a response to a letter that was originally published in the 29th June 2011 with a response, I have since heard from the lady concerned and thought you may be interested in how she is progressing.

The link for those on line is http://www.theibizasun.com/back_issues/29062011/ibiza_counselling.html
for those not on line a quick recap – a lady wrote to me saying she had been living in Europe for some time and was finding it difficult to accept her self, which was making her feel as if she had made the wrong choice in leaving home.


Hello Kate, 

Thank you for your response to my letter. I appreciate all the things you wrote, it seems you really understood what I was saying and what I feel. It is hard being here at times and like you said I will have my highs and my lows so I should just focus on the highs. Without the family I am living with I know I would have gone back home a while ago.. But at times without the security of my family and my old home it can be hard.

In regards to the insecurities I've had for a long time I think it's mainly feeling very outcast ... I don't really know how to explain it exactly but I've always just felt disconnected and I guess that’s why I went overseas; as to find a way to become reconnected.

Things are getting better rather than worse though which is good but I always fear I will slip into the feeling of despair again and that thought always worries me. Like you said though, with time things will get better and I truly believe that.. So I will focus on that I think.. 
Thank you again Kate for listening... I have never expressed my feelings to such detail before...


(This reply has been slightly edited to ensure anonymity.)

Thank you for your letter and I am glad that some of the things written were useful to you. It seems as if you have more time to reflect and process what we have spoken about and what you would like to do in the future. It is great that you are staying with a supportive family though understandable that at times being with a great family must remind you of home a little more and that can be hard, but maybe you could talk to one of the adults and let them know how you are feeling and that you might need more support emotionally at certain times when you are finding things a little more difficult.

You say you have always felt outcast and disconnected I am wondering from whom? It sounds as if you are very close to your family so could it be friends at school/college? As I said previously you made a brave choice to come overseas and it sounds as if you are very connected with your host family, have you been able to make any friends since arriving? I wonder if being in a new country and meeting people with whom you have a blank canvass has made a difference to the way you connect with them. I feel that your confidence is growing and as that happens it simultaneously becomes easier to cope with the pressures of being away from loved ones.

You are doing really well and I am so pleased that you were able to express yourself by writing to me, sometimes it is easier to write then talk and keeping a journal maybe something that will help you reflect on how things are going and give you some self support if it’s difficult to talk to those around you.

Please take care and I hope that life overseas continues to improve for you and that I am sure that this experience will give you the confidence to connect with people and forge long lasting relationships that will continue long into the future.

All the best
Kate

Please keep the emails coming this is your page and remember you could be helping someone else by airing your concerns.

As ever the e-mail address is kate@ibizacounselling.com the web site can be found at www.ibizacousnelling.com

It's Good To Talk … Again

Thank you again to everyone who has shown an interest in the column, the letter below is a response to a letter that was originally published in the 29th June 2011 with a response, I have since heard from the lady concerned and thought you may be interested in how she is progressing.

The link for those on line is http://www.theibizasun.com/back_issues/29062011/ibiza_counselling.html
for those not on line a quick recap – a lady wrote to me saying she had been living in Europe for some time and was finding it difficult to accept her self, which was making her feel as if she had made the wrong choice in leaving home.


Hello Kate, 

Thank you for your response to my letter. I appreciate all the things you wrote, it seems you really understood what I was saying and what I feel. It is hard being here at times and like you said I will have my highs and my lows so I should just focus on the highs. Without the family I am living with I know I would have gone back home a while ago.. But at times without the security of my family and my old home it can be hard.

In regards to the insecurities I've had for a long time I think it's mainly feeling very outcast ... I don't really know how to explain it exactly but I've always just felt disconnected and I guess that’s why I went overseas; as to find a way to become reconnected.

Things are getting better rather than worse though which is good but I always fear I will slip into the feeling of despair again and that thought always worries me. Like you said though, with time things will get better and I truly believe that.. So I will focus on that I think.. 
Thank you again Kate for listening... I have never expressed my feelings to such detail before...


(This reply has been slightly edited to ensure anonymity.)

Thank you for your letter and I am glad that some of the things written were useful to you. It seems as if you have more time to reflect and process what we have spoken about and what you would like to do in the future. It is great that you are staying with a supportive family though understandable that at times being with a great family must remind you of home a little more and that can be hard, but maybe you could talk to one of the adults and let them know how you are feeling and that you might need more support emotionally at certain times when you are finding things a little more difficult.

You say you have always felt outcast and disconnected I am wondering from whom? It sounds as if you are very close to your family so could it be friends at school/college? As I said previously you made a brave choice to come overseas and it sounds as if you are very connected with your host family, have you been able to make any friends since arriving? I wonder if being in a new country and meeting people with whom you have a blank canvass has made a difference to the way you connect with them. I feel that your confidence is growing and as that happens it simultaneously becomes easier to cope with the pressures of being away from loved ones.

You are doing really well and I am so pleased that you were able to express yourself by writing to me, sometimes it is easier to write then talk and keeping a journal maybe something that will help you reflect on how things are going and give you some self support if it’s difficult to talk to those around you.

Please take care and I hope that life overseas continues to improve for you and that I am sure that this experience will give you the confidence to connect with people and forge long lasting relationships that will continue long into the future.

All the best
Kate

Please keep the emails coming this is your page and remember you could be helping someone else by airing your concerns.

As ever the e-mail address is kate@ibizacounselling.com the web site can be found at www.ibizacousnelling.com

It's Good To Talk

Dear Kate

My partner regularly smokes cannabis and whilst on one hand I do not see this as a big deal as many of our friends do the same and have done for years, on the other hand it seems to be becoming more and more of an issue of late. When he smokes he is clumsy in a funny sort of way and really quite loveable. He seems funny and happy but recently his clumsiness does not seem so loveable any more. For me it’s turned into something that I had found amusing and endearing into something which is annoying and selfish.

Then when he doesn’t smoke for the first few days he seems to return to his old self, more on the ball, more dynamic and much better company, however after the first few days of giving up he then turns into what can only be described as miserable, selfish and rude, to the point where I almost want to tell him to go and get some more because useless and hap hazard is preferable to moody and angry.

My question is how can I make him see that he is pushing me away and that he needs to stop or at least cut down considerably or our relationship is in serious jeopardy. Of course this is also made worse because though we have friends here they aren’t the same as friends back in the UK so both of us feel very dependant on each other.

Yours confused – San Rafael


Dear Confused

Firstly thank you for your e-mail, you have brought up a subject which I see a lot in my private practice and though cannabis is not considered a “hard” drug, it can have more of an impact then people think, not only for the user but also those close to them.

The first thing to say is that I empathise with your situation, it can put a lot of pressure on any relationship when taken out of its comfort zone i.e. home and the expectations and hopes you both naturally place on each other can create difficulties when they are not met. However as much as you are in a couple you have to focus on yourself and what you can or cannot put up with.

Your partner may or may not give up smoking but he is the only one who can make this decision and he is the only one who can stop. Yes you can ask nicely, angrily and give ultimatums but at the end of the day he has to decide that he is going to stop and only when he does this genuinely and authentically for his own reasons will he have a chance of doing so successfully. He simply might not want to stop or cut down no matter what you say and there is also the possibility that he might try for you rather then because he believes he wants to and this is also not an ideal reason to stop or cut down.

You do however have some choices that you can make for yourself and they may seem simple on paper but I understand that in reality they are harsh and hard. All you can do is decide, if at the moment given what he is doing, you can live with it or not. If you decide you can live with it (it being his continued smoking) then we need to look at ways for his smoking to impact you in a less negative way then it is at the moment and that is a whole other area, which if you would like to contact me about, we can look at in more detail.

If however you decided that what is going on is unacceptable to you then you have the choice to leave the relationship or at least tell him of your intention so he can make some choices as to what is important to him.

Remember though smoking cannabis is an addiction and whilst many argue that it is not as addictive as hard drugs or even nicotine, it is still easy to become dependant on it and form a habit, which is hard to break. There are various support agencies on line and on the island so if you would like some more information then please do get in touch kate@ibizacounseling.com and I can give you more details.

I wish you all the best with whatever choices you decide to make.

Kate - http://www.ibizacounselling.com

Making hypnosis a virtual reality ...

Researchers in the United States are investigating virtual reality hypnosis to help manage depression and anxiety in chronic pain.

Clinical trials began this summer at Arlington Heights in Illinois with patients using a head-mounted display to immerse themselves in a 3-dimensional world of sights and sounds. The technology guides patients through the same steps clinicians or hypnotherapists would use during hypnosis.

The annual meeting of the American Pain Society was told that patients with chronic pain often find it difficult to visualise the images necessary for deepening trance states, so it is hoped the computer-simulated environment will overcome the problem.

Clinical care consultant Lynda Wargolet explained: "The approach has already shown significant efficacy in case studies."

The overlap between pain and psychiatric conditions is particularly evident in chronic syndromes such as headache, low back pain, nerve pain, fibromyalgia, and irritable bowel syndrome.

Studies investigating the neural substrates of chronic pain reveal shared biological mechanisms with anxiety and depression.

Hypnotherapy helps speed surgery recovery – Belgian study

The health and financial benefits of combing hypnotherapy and local anaesthesia in some surgical operations has been highlighted in recent research in Belgian.

Details of how hypnotherapy when used with normal local anaesthesia were delivered to the European Anaesthesiology Congress in Amsterdam.

The congress heard healing times were speeded up, drug needs reduced and time in hospital cut.

The evidence was gathered by Fabienne Roelants and Dr. Christine Watremez of Cliniques Universitaires St. Luc in Brussels who explained the study involved women who underwent breast cancer surgery – partial mastectomy, examination of lymph nodes and opening the armpit to examine or remove some or all of the lymph nodes.

Out of the study groups 78 women, 18 of them were given hypnotherapy – the rest had general anaesthesia.

Although the hypnotised patients spent a few minutes longer in the operating room, there was a substantial reduction in the need for opioid drug and they needed less time in the recovery room and in the hospital. The outcome of the surgery between the two groups were similar.

Fabienne Roelants told the conference: "In addition to reducing drug use and hospital stay time, being able to avoid general anaesthesia in breast cancer surgery is important because we know that local anaesthesia can block the body's stress response to surgery and could therefore reduce the possible spread of metastases."

It's Good to Talk...

Thank you to everyone who has shown an interest in the column - and please remember that all feedback is welcome. I'd really like to hear from you. Anyway! On to this week’s letter:

Dear Kate,

I moved to Europe over a year ago as I hoped to become more aware of who I am and to accept myself. I have had issues all my life when it comes to insecurities and I am starting to think I may have made the wrong choice to come here. All I am hoping to get from you is some advice to at least be a little content with my new life here and to eventually accept my choices and to accept myself. Thank you.

The letter arrived anonymously, so I replied in my column:

Firstly thank you for your letter, it takes courage and openness to be able to acknowledge you are not as happy as you’d like to be and then to be able to ask for help. It seems from what you have written that you are a very insightful person and are beginning to become self aware and confident in who you are. That may seem like an obvious thing but knowing yourself well is something that takes time and can be hard work, asking yourself questions and giving honest and truthful answers can be a struggle at times but you seem to be doing well at understanding yourself and though you may not always like the answers your honesty puts you in a position to think about change if you choose.

So, you have been in Europe a year, I am not sure where you have come from or what caused you to leave home but no matter what the circumstances it is always hard to leave home and settle into a new way of life. I wonder why you feel you have possibly made the wrong choice? Maybe part of the journey that you hoped to take in accepting yourself and becoming more aware is about having exactly these kinds of doubts. The journey of self discovery is often not a smooth one but a rocky path and sometimes to get to that clearer place you have some dips and lows along the way, and this is where the real learning and understanding of yourself begins to take place.

I would like to know more about you and then maybe we can go into things in a little more detail, you say you have had issues all your life when it comes to insecurities, I wonder what you think these maybe. I have a sense that you are a very strong and confident person who at times has very natural doubts and concerns over their choices. I suppose one of the things to always keep at the forefront of your mind is that choices are exactly that and there are always choices available for you to make, a year ago you made the choice to come to Europe and it seems that you are now at a cross roads again, where you are making the choice to stay or not. It is completely understandable to have a natural pull to home, its what you know, its comfortable and familiar, but it will always be there for you and maybe staying in Europe for a little while longer will teach you more about yourself and how you want to spend the rest of your life then you would be able to discover at home. The end result may well be that home is where you decided to settle but giving yourself the opportunity to explore other options is not only brave but also such an amazing opportunity and one that you might want to consider taking full advantage of whilst you can.

I hope this has helped in some way and please feel free to contact me again should you feel like writing more.

Kate - http://www.ibizacounselling.com

It's Good to Talk

Hello! I'm Kate Stillman, and I write a fortnightly column for the English-language Ibiza Sun, where I respond to readers problems; or tackle issues that are shared by many people wherever they live.

My column this time is based on an e-mail I received recently, and my answer to it. I hope that talking about these problems here will be useful - not just to people who are living in Ibiza, but to anyone who reads this blog.

The e-mailed was addressed to 'Dear Ibiza Counselling', and read as follows:

Dear Kate - I was hoping you could help me with a problem I have or maybe some of your readers have some ideas. I have been living in Ibiza for five years and love the islands; however I am beginning to feel that it might be time to go home.

Since arriving here my husband and I have made many really good friends, but lots of those relationships seem to centre around drinking. Up until now it has been fun but it seems as if we can't have a good time without it and it worries me, our communication is at an all time low and the children (14 and 16° are beinning to pick up on the tension.

I have spoken to my husband, but he is adamant that after building up a life for us here and all the effort that we have made that we should stay. He does not see the drinking as a problem and just says it's a way of life."

The e-mail was signed 'Thank you. Jane' (Not her real name).

I replied:

"Thank you for your e-mail; and I am sorry to hear that you are finding things difficult at the moment.

There seem to be several strands that are causing you concern - the alcohol, your relationship, and the children - so I will address each of them individually, and explore how going 'home' might impact them. It is important to remember that we only have a limited amount of space in this column - and I also have a limited amount of information from you, so this space is really to highlight areas which may need a little more consideration and exploration so that any decisions made are ones that you have to feel comfortable with.

It is great that you and your husband have settled in so well and have a good social network; this is something that many people living abroad find difficult to achieve. I understand that you feel much of your social time is centred around alcohol and that you are becoming uncomfortable with this. I wonder, though, if you think this would be any different if you were to move back to the UK. The setting and the people might differ, but there are still ample opportunities to drink in most countries.

Your husband may or may not think that alcohol is an issue for him - but if that is all you can focus on, then it is an issue for you - and this may mean you feel you have some choices to make regarding your own relationship with alcohol. It might be that by understanding why you are now feeling uncomfortable with the drinking situation, and giving yourself the opportunity to explore whether or not you feel that you need to change your own habits, you will be able to decide how you want to handle the alcohol issue within the family. There is alcohol support available in Ibiza, so please feel free to e-mail me directly at kate@ibizacounselling.com if you would like the details.

You have mentioned that you relationship with your husband is suffering, and that communication is at an all-time low. Sometimes communication can gradually break down, and it is not until we become aware of a certain situation - in your case the alcohol, or maybe the children's reaction to tension, that it becomes more apparent.  I am asking you to consider if you think the communication between the two of you began to break down before the alcohol became an issue, or afterwards.  Could it be that the alcohol acted as an escape from the tension that already existed between you?

Moving to a new country with two children and all that that entails puts a huge amount of pressure on any relationship and being conscious and open about that pressure can go a long way toward easing it.

Partners can often feel backed into a corner and that they are being blamed for certain situations.  This can lead to them feeling they have to defend themselves rather than ask for help.  I wonder what it would be like for you to ask your husband for help because you are finding things difficult rather than focus on what he is doing wrong.  People like to be able to offer support and help to others.  If he was aware of just how difficult you are finding things, it might be that asking for support from him you would find that his attitude would change.

Again, there are choices you may need to make, and questions you may want to ask yourself regarding your feelings about the marriage and what it means to you.  Are things at a stage where you would consider leaving Ibiza with or without your husband? If he agreed to leave because you want to rather than because he agreed it was the best thing to do, what impact may this have on the relationship between you? Maybe letting him know how you are feeling and what those feelings are leading you to consider from a practical point of view will help you open the doors to a better communication.

Finally, there are your two children. They are picking up on tension because it is there and present within the family. The best thing you can do with children is to be honest, but in a supportive and kind way that they can digest. You know your children; both you and your husband do need to come together to focus on them and answer any questions they may have in an honest yet simply digestible way that they understand.

Jane, I wish you the best of luck."

It may be that some readers also have some views and ideas they would like to share after reading this. If so, please feel free to leave a comment on the blog or e-mail me at kate@ibizacounselling.com.

Kate - http://www.ibizacounselling.com

Hypnosis on the NHS?

A new report from the hypnosis and psychosomatic medicine section of the Royal Society of Medicine is in favour of hypnosis becoming a standard technique on the NHS to relieve pain and treat stress related conditions such as irritable bowel syndrome.

I am, of course, very glad indeed to find that the hypnosis and psychomatic medicine section of the Royal Society of Medicine and I are finally in agreement, but I have to wonder how - and whether! - this excellent idea is going to work in practice.

Hypnosis is a very efficient and beneficial form of therapy that can be used to address many problems and alleviate many distressing conditions - but it is very time-consuming form of therapy.  A single hypnosis session usually lasts for an hour or more - and some conditions demand many sessions.  General Practitioners who take the trouble to learn how to use the technique therefore frequently find that they never have the time to use it.

The answer to that problem is, of course, outsourcing, and there are doubtless many medical practioners who would be prepared to outsource their patients to qualified hypnotherapists, and many qualified hypnotherapists who would be only too glad to take on the work.  Unfortunately, as both Emily and I know only too well, getting an NHS Provider Number in the first place is very difficult, and keeping it current is the sort of bureaucratic nightmare that forces most therapists to give up and try to forget all about it.

Sadly, I think that hypnosis can only become a standard technique that is available to everyone on the NHS if people are encouraged to understand what they can get out of it  - and you can begin to do that for yourself by visiting http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/8572818.stm - and then ask for for what they want, and go on asking in an increasingly loud voice until they get it.

Bill - http://www.therapypartnership.com/

Change

This week in Ibiza has been a week of considerable change for most of us in one way or another, and change can be something that many find difficult, awkward and at times frustrating.

This weekend is always a big weekend on the island it is the unofficial start of the season, the sun is a certainty, the clubs re-open and the island sees the first sizeable wave of tourists here to soak up the sun and everything else that this magical island has to offer.

Be it family holidays, clubbing holidays, yoga retreats or a romantic get away. They subconsciously dump their stress; low energy and drudgery of daily life at home whilst simultaneously soaking up all the positives that Ibiza is able to give them. Many of us rely on them, some of us dread them and some feel a little in the middle of the two.

However what we cannot argue with is that this weekend marks the beginning of a different Ibiza until it all changes again towards the end of September. It is important that as residents living here the whole year around we look after ourselves and be aware of how this change may affect us emotionally as well as practically, as visitors it is also important to be aware of the change that is also going on for you. Two weeks holidaying in Ibiza, or anywhere else for that matter can bring up loads of thoughts that you simply have not had time to think at home, processing them can at times be overwhelming.

This is a change that we are expecting we know its coming and yet that transition can still be daunting, exciting, rewarding and frustrating. But this week has seen another change, a change that many of us especially those in the north of the island will have to get used to for some time to come.

A change that we were not expecting and certainly did not want. The fire that broke out on Wednesday 25th May close to San Juan has undoubtedly changed the scenery of Ibiza probably for years to come, but it has also changed lives, emotions and expectations for the future and this is maybe where talking about your attitudes to change and what it means to you could go a long way to helping you adjust to the changes that have happened and are happening both to the island as a whole and to you as an individual.

The events of this weekend are a shared experience and it’s good to talk to others about theirs to gain a better understanding of your own.

From a therapeutic point of view the subject of change tends to come up at some point during sessions, what change means to you and how you react to and with it can give you a much clearer insight into yourself allowing you to understand your responses and attitudes in a way that you might not have done in the past.

This is my first article for the Ibiza Sun as their resident counsellor, I have been practising for over eight years and will be here every two weeks to respond to your letters on any subject of your choice, they can be anonymous and no identifying material will be published.

Sharing your thoughts on this page could also be helping someone else in a similar situation who feels isolated and alone so please do take the time to become part of this column and I look forward to receiving your e mails.

Kate - http://www.therapypartnership.com/

If you put Yourself Down...

...you'll never have a problem finding other people ready and willing to help you make a really good job of doing it.


Emily - http://www.therapypartnership.com/