It's Good To Talk ... @ Christmas

There is no letter this week so I wanted to talk about Christmas and being away from home. For some deciding to leave the UK and make a new life in Ibiza is an escape from somewhere they didn’t want to be, no looking back, no sentimentality. Whilst for others even being safe in the knowledge that they are doing what they feel is right it can still be a huge wrench leaving family, friends and familiar surroundings.

December is a time when often minds wander back to family and friends. What are they all doing, how is the build up to the big day going have they been ice skating, looked at the festive lights, been to Santa’s grotto, remembered to open the advent calendar and woe betide them if they forget to leave the whisky and carrots out for Santa and his reindeer!

All these traditions that happen somehow can feel very different when taken out of context Christmases in Ibiza are different. Firstly the sun is bright, there is a chance that on Christmas morning you could be walking along the beach on a glorious day when part of you might be thinking where’s the snow, the cold, my wooly scarf and bobble hat.

So how do we adjust? How do we manage our expectations so that what ever happens, however Christmas transpires we feel comfortable with the choices we have made. I suppose this is where it all starts…..with the choices we have made and if somehow we can take a moment to breath, sit back and reflect on those choices we can find ourselves becoming much more confident in them and the expectations they have created within us, or more correctly the expectations we have created within ourselves.

In some ways expectations are like rules, i.e. they are made to be broken. Sometimes it may seem like so much is riding on our plans, will the table look just right , the turkey cooked to perfection, and the gifts wrapped perfectly. Sometimes those expectations are met and often they are not but it is how we choose handle the outcome that decides weather the day is a triumph or a nightmare. 

Personally I find that a sense of humour goes a long way to ensuring the first option, weighing up the importance of all the practical vs. spending quality time with people we care about and whose company we enjoy far outweighs neatly wrapped presents and perfect brussle sprouts.

So whatever your reasons for being on this wonderful island over Christmas maybe focusing on the positives, the bright sunshine on a crisp December day, the amazing sunsets, the beautiful walks and the freshest of local produce will go some way to remind you of what you have achieved by simply being here.

It's Good To Talk

Dear Ibiza Counselling,

I have been reading your column for a while and thinking about writing but to be honest I feel very self indulgent, selfish and guilty for taking the space and your time. I am feeling so awful and low but nothing of any magnitude has happened that seems to warrant it hence the guilt. Lots of little everyday “life” things are going on but I feel I have always and should now be able to cope with them but for some reason my fighting sprit seems to have vanished and I’m struggling to hold on.

We have been living on Ibiza for 9 years and really love it, obviously we have our moments but I’d say 90% of the time life is good, I have an amazing husband we are incredibly close but his father is not well so is often having to shoot back to the UK and short notice. I totally understand and expect him to do this but it does leave me with 3 kids 14, 11 & 7 who all have to get up get to school and carry on with life with out their dad being here. It also means I am left running the business for short periods on my own. I am also getting near to the age where I’m beginning to feel that my body isn’t quite what it used to be, summers and bikinis are starting to feel like a dread even though my husband says I’m beautiful and nuts for thinking any different.

So as you can see nothing really that most people don’t manage to cope with just the normal things that happen in lots of lives but for some reason I am getting very wobbly and want to try and address this before the children or my husband realise. My husband is so worried about his father that it is very important to me that I do not add to his burden.

Thank you for taking the time to read and I am sure there are some much more deserving cases that should be put in your column so please only include me if you can.

Regards
Mary (not my real name)

Dear Mary

Firstly thank you for your e mail and as long as an e mail is appropriate to the column it will get published so please do not feel that you are taking up space that someone else might use.

I think that many of us go through life “dealing” with things as they happen then the moment passes and we think we are fine, the next thing comes along we deal with that and so it continues. However at some point if we constantly do not give ourselves the time to look at how any of these things, no matter how small we think they are, may have impacted us eventually, just like a sponge, we will become full up and in very simple terms, we literally can not absorb any more.

I wonder if getting some temporary practical help, either for the business or maybe joining forces with some of the other parents to do a joint school run or home work sessions, especially whilst your husband is away will give you the time to focus on yourself a little. You are a very important person, from what you have said it feels like you are the cog that keeps the family moving, therefore it is so important that you take the time to look after yourself . This is not indulgent or selfish it is necessary to keep yourself well emotionally and physically so you can support your family and especially your husband when times are difficult.

Please do not underestimate how heart wrenching it can be watching a partner go through caring for an elderly/ unwell parent, not forgetting that you may well also have a meaningful relationship with that in-law and have your own upset to manage as well.

I think the most important thing to focus on is that you are in no way being self indulgent, selfish or doing anything that could make you feel guilty. You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of others and this means making your emotional welfare a priority and putting in place whatever you feel will help you to continue to support your husband through a very difficult period in his life.

I hope this has helped a little and please stay in touch and let me know how you get on,

Warm regards
Kate

It's Good To Talk

Firstly I would like to apologise for the absence of the column 2 weeks ago, the truth is that I got my week’s in a muddle and thought I should have been writing the following week.

Hi Kate,

I am 24 years old and have been living on the island for nearly 6 months; I love it and am having a brilliant time. My family back in the UK has been really supportive and I’m in touch with them over Skype several times a week. I have brother 2 years younger then me and he has been coming for a long weekend nearly on a monthly basis. We are close but there is a problem. He is gay and when he comes over he basically spends his first night with me and then disappears for the rest of the time wondering in when he feels like it usually in a bit of a mess before flying back to England. I love my brother and have no issue with him being gay but I am also very close to my parents and for some reason he has decided not to tell them and asked me not to. Which puts me in an awkward position because when he gets back they often say that he is moody and grumpy and they have worked out its because he goes out and has a mad time when he is here so have started asking me what “we” get up to which in tern puts me in an awkward position.

I am also beginning to resent the way he is treating my very small apartment and the fact that in reality we hardly see each other when he is here. I also worry about his safety, he is new to the scene and I am very protective of him.

Any ideas on what I should do in terms of telling my parents would be much appreciated

Many thanks
An annoyed but loving sister!


Hi

Thank you for your letter and I can hear that you are concerned and annoyed with your brother for having to keep his secret and not being able to share your worries about what he is getting up to whilst here on his monthly visits. So, there seem to be two quite distinctive issues here. The first is regarding his sexuality and the confidentiality of that.

I can understand that you feel it is a big secret to keep and that maybe you would like to be able to talk about it to others that are close to get a better understanding of it yourself. Even though it is clear you have no obvious issue with him being gay it can still come as quite a shock and it is completely normal for you to need a period of time to adjust your expectations of what his future may now look like.

I also understand that it puts you in a difficult position with your parents but I do wonder why their assumption that both of you are going out together needs to be colluded with by you. Can you not say that since begin here he has developed his own group of friends and that often you do not go out with him? This does not have to be anything to do with his sexuality does it? I also would like to understand a little more why you feel the need to tell your parents, sexuality is such a personal and important part of someone’s life and maybe if you explained to your brother who you do seem to be very close to why you are finding things so uncomfortable he might start to consider telling them himself at some point in the future which might be the better scenario for all concerned.

The second issue i.e. that of him using your apartment to come and go as he chooses is one that many islanders talk to me about, we live here and work and over the summer season we seem to be hugely popular but there has to be a balance between holiday makers coming to stay and us being able to live our day to day lives. Maybe an open and honest conversation with your brother about how you are feeling about everything will help him to understand why you are beginning to feel restful of his visits and may enable him to see the need for changes in the way he is treating you and your hospitality.

I do hope things improve for you and please do let me know
Warm regards
Kate

Please keep the emails coming this is your page and remember you could be helping someone else by airing your concerns.

As ever the e-mail address is kate@ibizacounselling.com the newly revamped web site can be found at www.ibizacouselling.com with the blog at www.thetherapypartnership.blogspot.com/