It's Good To Talk ... @ End of the Year

Again no letter this week but this gives us an opportunity to reflect on the year gone by and ponder on what 2012 has in store. 

Having recently taken up yoga we have been discussing expectations and how sometimes there is a pressure to live “in the moment “, when in fact the moment is made up of experiences from the past and expectations for the future.

The past has such an effect on how we live our future that it simply can not be denied, sometimes it is used as an excuse for certain behaviours but if it does anything it offers an explanation and an explanation is not an excuse, it is an opportunity to become aware of choices and with that awareness comes the chance to make a choice that works for you and those you care about. 

The past can help us to understand how we respond to certain situations and give us the opportunity, if we explore it honestly, to decide if we want to respond in a similar way in the future or take time to reflect and make change. 

So what about the future, it can come with such hopes and fears of what it may or may not delver that sometimes it feels easier to brush it aside and focus on now. However maybe taking a look at the past it will enable us to dispel some of those fears and realise its not the expectations that cause the anxiety but how we handle the meeting or not meeting those expectations. 

This is the moment where things can get very deep and maybe as a new year dawns it is a time to keep things a bit lighter. Having said that maybe a quick glance at 2011 along with a vision for 2012 could help you make some choices that will make your 2012 move in the direction that you would like. 

Ibiza is full of a huge range of people, genders, ages, races, cultures, religions, attitudes and sexualities are all represented, what a rich melting pot that we can call on when we need to get a perspectives that we may not have come across , one that could help us make the choices that bring us more understanding of our selves and those around us. 

As the days , months and seasons pass it never ceases to amaze me how if you give to this beautiful island it certainly delivers way more then even or greatest expectations could imagine. 

Have a safe and fun filled 2012 and I hope it brings you everything that you have chosen to let it. 

Feliz Ano Nuevo
Kate

It's Good To Talk ... @ Christmas

There is no letter this week so I wanted to talk about Christmas and being away from home. For some deciding to leave the UK and make a new life in Ibiza is an escape from somewhere they didn’t want to be, no looking back, no sentimentality. Whilst for others even being safe in the knowledge that they are doing what they feel is right it can still be a huge wrench leaving family, friends and familiar surroundings.

December is a time when often minds wander back to family and friends. What are they all doing, how is the build up to the big day going have they been ice skating, looked at the festive lights, been to Santa’s grotto, remembered to open the advent calendar and woe betide them if they forget to leave the whisky and carrots out for Santa and his reindeer!

All these traditions that happen somehow can feel very different when taken out of context Christmases in Ibiza are different. Firstly the sun is bright, there is a chance that on Christmas morning you could be walking along the beach on a glorious day when part of you might be thinking where’s the snow, the cold, my wooly scarf and bobble hat.

So how do we adjust? How do we manage our expectations so that what ever happens, however Christmas transpires we feel comfortable with the choices we have made. I suppose this is where it all starts…..with the choices we have made and if somehow we can take a moment to breath, sit back and reflect on those choices we can find ourselves becoming much more confident in them and the expectations they have created within us, or more correctly the expectations we have created within ourselves.

In some ways expectations are like rules, i.e. they are made to be broken. Sometimes it may seem like so much is riding on our plans, will the table look just right , the turkey cooked to perfection, and the gifts wrapped perfectly. Sometimes those expectations are met and often they are not but it is how we choose handle the outcome that decides weather the day is a triumph or a nightmare. 

Personally I find that a sense of humour goes a long way to ensuring the first option, weighing up the importance of all the practical vs. spending quality time with people we care about and whose company we enjoy far outweighs neatly wrapped presents and perfect brussle sprouts.

So whatever your reasons for being on this wonderful island over Christmas maybe focusing on the positives, the bright sunshine on a crisp December day, the amazing sunsets, the beautiful walks and the freshest of local produce will go some way to remind you of what you have achieved by simply being here.

It's Good To Talk

Dear Ibiza Counselling,

I have been reading your column for a while and thinking about writing but to be honest I feel very self indulgent, selfish and guilty for taking the space and your time. I am feeling so awful and low but nothing of any magnitude has happened that seems to warrant it hence the guilt. Lots of little everyday “life” things are going on but I feel I have always and should now be able to cope with them but for some reason my fighting sprit seems to have vanished and I’m struggling to hold on.

We have been living on Ibiza for 9 years and really love it, obviously we have our moments but I’d say 90% of the time life is good, I have an amazing husband we are incredibly close but his father is not well so is often having to shoot back to the UK and short notice. I totally understand and expect him to do this but it does leave me with 3 kids 14, 11 & 7 who all have to get up get to school and carry on with life with out their dad being here. It also means I am left running the business for short periods on my own. I am also getting near to the age where I’m beginning to feel that my body isn’t quite what it used to be, summers and bikinis are starting to feel like a dread even though my husband says I’m beautiful and nuts for thinking any different.

So as you can see nothing really that most people don’t manage to cope with just the normal things that happen in lots of lives but for some reason I am getting very wobbly and want to try and address this before the children or my husband realise. My husband is so worried about his father that it is very important to me that I do not add to his burden.

Thank you for taking the time to read and I am sure there are some much more deserving cases that should be put in your column so please only include me if you can.

Regards
Mary (not my real name)

Dear Mary

Firstly thank you for your e mail and as long as an e mail is appropriate to the column it will get published so please do not feel that you are taking up space that someone else might use.

I think that many of us go through life “dealing” with things as they happen then the moment passes and we think we are fine, the next thing comes along we deal with that and so it continues. However at some point if we constantly do not give ourselves the time to look at how any of these things, no matter how small we think they are, may have impacted us eventually, just like a sponge, we will become full up and in very simple terms, we literally can not absorb any more.

I wonder if getting some temporary practical help, either for the business or maybe joining forces with some of the other parents to do a joint school run or home work sessions, especially whilst your husband is away will give you the time to focus on yourself a little. You are a very important person, from what you have said it feels like you are the cog that keeps the family moving, therefore it is so important that you take the time to look after yourself . This is not indulgent or selfish it is necessary to keep yourself well emotionally and physically so you can support your family and especially your husband when times are difficult.

Please do not underestimate how heart wrenching it can be watching a partner go through caring for an elderly/ unwell parent, not forgetting that you may well also have a meaningful relationship with that in-law and have your own upset to manage as well.

I think the most important thing to focus on is that you are in no way being self indulgent, selfish or doing anything that could make you feel guilty. You need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of others and this means making your emotional welfare a priority and putting in place whatever you feel will help you to continue to support your husband through a very difficult period in his life.

I hope this has helped a little and please stay in touch and let me know how you get on,

Warm regards
Kate