It's Good To Talk - When Heading Back To Britain

Dear It’s Good to Talk

We have been in Ibiza for 17 years and till about two years ago we enjoyed living here, work in the summer has always been full on and very tiring but then we have been able to chill out and relax in the winter.

The last two years me and my wife have become very restless and have decided that it’s probably time to head back to the UK. The island has begun to feel very small and we are now looking forward to starting again back home.

The thing that worries us is that both the kids were born here, they have only ever been to the UK for holidays and see Ibiza as home, one of them is quite excited about living in the UK but the other, who is 14, really is against the idea and wants to stay here with his friends.

What do you think we should do to make the transition as easy as possible for him?

Thank you

Hi

Thank you for your letter. It seems as if you and your wife have taken your decision to move very seriously and considered it for a long period of time before finally deciding that the best thing is to move back to the UK.

Change is difficult for many people and most of us resist it at some time in our lives, especially if it’s a change over which we have no control. Your son is at a very vulnerable time in his life, all sorts of things are going on aged 14 and friends become a top priority often over family, and it can be distressing to think about having to leave them.

I am not sure of the time line you have in place for moving back, is there time to put some things in place for your son? For example would it be possible to have one or maybe two trips back to the UK before the actual move, so he can see the area in which you are going to live, maybe visit the new school and if possible make contact with a few of his classmates so there are some familiar faces for when he arrives on his first day. Does he have any hobbies or sports that he enjoys playing? Maybe you could see if there are any local groups he could join and visit them as well. I imagine it would make him much more comfortable if he knew there were some positives in place for him and he had a mental picture of where he was going.

Have you asked him what worries him about moving? Would it be possible to arrange for a friend from Ibiza to come and stay during the holidays and possibly for him to come back for a stay with them, that way he has something to look forward to.

You do not mention your other child much except to say they seem quite excited about the move. Even though this maybe the case they may also have some apprehensions and anxieties so and open discussion with both the children, letting them see that both of you also have concerns even though you feel it is the best thing for all of you, may really help you to make this move together as a team.

I hope the move goes well and that live in the UK is all that you hope.

Warm regards

Kate

It's Good To Talk – When children need to know about death

Dear Ibiza Counselling

My husband and I were wondering if you could offer us some advice. We have two children seven  and five years old and have been in Ibiza for just over a year. The move is definitely the right decision for us as a family and we are now just about settled in to a routine and are slowly building a circle of friends. Initially it was difficult for the children to get used to a new home, school and way of life but now they almost seem more settled then us!

When we decided to move we also decided to bring our dog who at the time was already 11years old, obviously the children have never known life with out her and she is very much part of the family. However time is taking its toll and in recent weeks she has become very slow, is going blind and is incontinent. We took her to the vet who said she was in kidney failure and does not have long left. He advised that we should give some thought to how we would like to proceed as she will only get worse and the decline could be quick and she may be in pain.

We have talked, and cried about what we should do and have come to the heart wrenching decision that shortly we will have to have her put down. We as adults are devastated, we got her when we first met and spent so many hours having great times with her that it is difficult to imagine walking through the door and not seeing her. So we have our own grief to deal with, some may think it silly as she’s only a dog but to us she has been part of the family.

Aside form ourselves and our beautiful dog we are also concerned about the children, they have never experienced death and we have not really had any discussions around death with them as they have not naturally come up. 

Do you think we should tell them about Molly or would it be kinder to tell them she has gone to stay with some other children? They spent hours with her in the garden and yesterday I walked in to find all three of the snuggled on the sofa watching cartoons and it broke my heart.

Please tell us how to make this as painless as possible for them

Thank you

DP

Dear DP

Thank you for your e-mail and it is good to hear that you and your family have settled in so well and are enjoying your new life on the island. 

It can be difficult for children moving to a new country with a different language, food and way of life but often they are more adaptable then adults and once they are settled in school and have made friends things can often click into place for them more easily then for us.

I am sorry to hear about Molly; dogs really do become part of the family and the decision you have had to make must have been agonising. I feel it is important before you start to tackle the issue of the children that both you and your husband take time to process what Molly’s passing means to both of you, it sounds as if you both care for her a great deal and that she played a big part in the early days of your relationship together. 

It is important not to gloss over your own feelings because you are worried about the children, and it sounds as if even though you have made the decision about her future you still have some time to spend with her, take some photos and say your good byes, maybe this should be something you and your husband do with out the children.

In terms of telling the children I feel there are three key points to bear in mind. 

Firstly choose your moment well, i.e. when you have plenty of time, they are not over excited or too tired, the house is quiet and you know you will not be disturbed. 

Secondly be honest, death is part of life and they will come across it at some point so hiding it or trying to find ways around it will, in my opinion, not serve them well for the future. 

Thirdly keep it simple and clear so they can understand. They do not need to know detail they just need to know that Molly was very old, unwell and died, and they will not see her again. 

They may or may not have questions about death and what happens when a dog or person dies, if this comes up I would also keep your answers as honest and simple as possible. Over the years as they get older then maybe that is the time to go into more details, if they ask and if it seems appropriate.

I hope this has been of some support to you and hope that you and your husband are able to have some time to say your own goodbyes to Molly in the way you would like.

Take care

Warm regards

Kate

NHS maybe wasting millions on nicotine patches

Oh surprise, surprise  … Nicotine Replacement Therapy (NRT) – whether patches, gum, sprays or inhalers – has been shown to be relatively ineffective at helping smokers quit and remain non-smokers.  Raising important questions as to whether millions of pounds of NHS funds are being wasted.

New evidence raising these doubts over NRT and of course the  pharmaceutical industry's massive campaign to promote sales,  follows research which found smokers who quit through NRT were just as likely to start again as those who stopped through will power alone.

The ten year study, conducted by Harvard School of Public Health and the University of Massachusetts,  discovered that smokers who quit through NRT were just as likely to start again as those who stopped through will power alone.

The new paper – “A prospective cohort study challenging the effectiveness of population-based medical intervention for smoking cessation”   by Hillel R Alpert, Gregory N Connolly, Lois Biener  –  examined  the  “effectiveness of nicotine replacement therapies   either with or without professional counselling, and provide evidence needed to better inform healthcare coverage decisions.

Starting in the 2000, the US researchers followed a representative sample of 1,916 adults which included 787 who had recently quit smoking.

Each participant was interviewed three times, about once every two years during the 2000s, asked about their use of gum, patches and other such products, their periods of not smoking and their relapses.

At each stage, about one-third of those trying to quit had relapsed and the use of replacement products made no difference, whether they were taken for the recommended two-month period or with the guidance of a counsellor.

Significantly the study showed the relapse rate was just as high among those using NRT as though who went “cold turkey.”

Who would have thought it eh?  Well this writer for a start. And probably also every hypnotherapist who has successfully helped people to stop smoking with   clients/patients who had previously tried patches, gums etc.

Time and again smokers who want to quit the habit have come to my practice room reporting how they had tried NRT but had failed to quit.

Fairly recently one such client was a general practitioner who said he regularly prescribed nicotine replacement for his patients but knew that for most patients it did not work.

The US findings – published in the online edition of Tobacco Control   – showed much the same outcomes for both heavy and light smokers irrespective of Is whether or not NRT was accompanied by professional cessation counselling. 

It is worth noting that in the United Kingdom the Department of Health generally claims counselling doubles the success rate.

However close examination of the UK figures shows that the failure rate for NRT is over 90 per cent

The study’s lead author, Hillel Alpert from Harvard School of Public Health’s Center for Global Tobacco Control, commented: “This study shows that using NRT is no more effective in helping people stop smoking cigarettes in the long-term than trying to quit on one's own."

"Even though other well-controlled studies have shown that nicotine replacement therapy can be effective, our study looked at real-world use over the long-term. And in the real world, cigarettes are simply a very powerful addiction. And NRT is apparently not an effective replacement for that addiction."

About ten years ago researchers at the University of California, San Diego conducted a large scale survey of NRT  – “Impact of Over-the-Counter Sales on Effectiveness of Pharmaceutical Aids for Smoking Cessation”   by John P Pierce, PhD; Elizabeth A Gilbin   – which also concluded that “since becoming available over the counter, NRT appears no longer effective in increasing long-term successful cessation in California smokers.”