Firstly I would like to apologise for the absence of the column 2 weeks ago, the truth is that I got my week’s in a muddle and thought I should have been writing the following week.
Hi Kate,
I am 24 years old and have been living on the island for nearly 6 months; I love it and am having a brilliant time. My family back in the UK has been really supportive and I’m in touch with them over Skype several times a week. I have brother 2 years younger then me and he has been coming for a long weekend nearly on a monthly basis. We are close but there is a problem. He is gay and when he comes over he basically spends his first night with me and then disappears for the rest of the time wondering in when he feels like it usually in a bit of a mess before flying back to England. I love my brother and have no issue with him being gay but I am also very close to my parents and for some reason he has decided not to tell them and asked me not to. Which puts me in an awkward position because when he gets back they often say that he is moody and grumpy and they have worked out its because he goes out and has a mad time when he is here so have started asking me what “we” get up to which in tern puts me in an awkward position.
I am also beginning to resent the way he is treating my very small apartment and the fact that in reality we hardly see each other when he is here. I also worry about his safety, he is new to the scene and I am very protective of him.
Any ideas on what I should do in terms of telling my parents would be much appreciated
Many thanks
An annoyed but loving sister!
Hi
Thank you for your letter and I can hear that you are concerned and annoyed with your brother for having to keep his secret and not being able to share your worries about what he is getting up to whilst here on his monthly visits. So, there seem to be two quite distinctive issues here. The first is regarding his sexuality and the confidentiality of that.
I can understand that you feel it is a big secret to keep and that maybe you would like to be able to talk about it to others that are close to get a better understanding of it yourself. Even though it is clear you have no obvious issue with him being gay it can still come as quite a shock and it is completely normal for you to need a period of time to adjust your expectations of what his future may now look like.
I also understand that it puts you in a difficult position with your parents but I do wonder why their assumption that both of you are going out together needs to be colluded with by you. Can you not say that since begin here he has developed his own group of friends and that often you do not go out with him? This does not have to be anything to do with his sexuality does it? I also would like to understand a little more why you feel the need to tell your parents, sexuality is such a personal and important part of someone’s life and maybe if you explained to your brother who you do seem to be very close to why you are finding things so uncomfortable he might start to consider telling them himself at some point in the future which might be the better scenario for all concerned.
The second issue i.e. that of him using your apartment to come and go as he chooses is one that many islanders talk to me about, we live here and work and over the summer season we seem to be hugely popular but there has to be a balance between holiday makers coming to stay and us being able to live our day to day lives. Maybe an open and honest conversation with your brother about how you are feeling about everything will help him to understand why you are beginning to feel restful of his visits and may enable him to see the need for changes in the way he is treating you and your hospitality.
I do hope things improve for you and please do let me know
Warm regards
Kate
Please keep the emails coming this is your page and remember you could be helping someone else by airing your concerns.
As ever the e-mail address is kate@ibizacounselling.com the newly revamped web site can be found at www.ibizacouselling.com with the blog at www.thetherapypartnership.blogspot.com/
HELP YOURSELF! with tips, tricks, techniques and information from The Therapy Partnership.
Thursday, 1 September 2011
Monday, 25 July 2011
It's Good To Talk … Again
Thank you again to everyone who has shown an interest in the column, the letter below is a response to a letter that was originally published in the 29th June 2011 with a response, I have since heard from the lady concerned and thought you may be interested in how she is progressing.
The link for those on line is http://www.theibizasun.com/back_issues/29062011/ibiza_counselling.html
for those not on line a quick recap – a lady wrote to me saying she had been living in Europe for some time and was finding it difficult to accept her self, which was making her feel as if she had made the wrong choice in leaving home.
Hello Kate,
Thank you for your response to my letter. I appreciate all the things you wrote, it seems you really understood what I was saying and what I feel. It is hard being here at times and like you said I will have my highs and my lows so I should just focus on the highs. Without the family I am living with I know I would have gone back home a while ago.. But at times without the security of my family and my old home it can be hard.
In regards to the insecurities I've had for a long time I think it's mainly feeling very outcast ... I don't really know how to explain it exactly but I've always just felt disconnected and I guess that’s why I went overseas; as to find a way to become reconnected.
Things are getting better rather than worse though which is good but I always fear I will slip into the feeling of despair again and that thought always worries me. Like you said though, with time things will get better and I truly believe that.. So I will focus on that I think..
Thank you again Kate for listening... I have never expressed my feelings to such detail before...
(This reply has been slightly edited to ensure anonymity.)
Thank you for your letter and I am glad that some of the things written were useful to you. It seems as if you have more time to reflect and process what we have spoken about and what you would like to do in the future. It is great that you are staying with a supportive family though understandable that at times being with a great family must remind you of home a little more and that can be hard, but maybe you could talk to one of the adults and let them know how you are feeling and that you might need more support emotionally at certain times when you are finding things a little more difficult.
You say you have always felt outcast and disconnected I am wondering from whom? It sounds as if you are very close to your family so could it be friends at school/college? As I said previously you made a brave choice to come overseas and it sounds as if you are very connected with your host family, have you been able to make any friends since arriving? I wonder if being in a new country and meeting people with whom you have a blank canvass has made a difference to the way you connect with them. I feel that your confidence is growing and as that happens it simultaneously becomes easier to cope with the pressures of being away from loved ones.
You are doing really well and I am so pleased that you were able to express yourself by writing to me, sometimes it is easier to write then talk and keeping a journal maybe something that will help you reflect on how things are going and give you some self support if it’s difficult to talk to those around you.
Please take care and I hope that life overseas continues to improve for you and that I am sure that this experience will give you the confidence to connect with people and forge long lasting relationships that will continue long into the future.
All the best
Kate
Please keep the emails coming this is your page and remember you could be helping someone else by airing your concerns.
As ever the e-mail address is kate@ibizacounselling.com the web site can be found at www.ibizacousnelling.com
The link for those on line is http://www.theibizasun.com/back_issues/29062011/ibiza_counselling.html
for those not on line a quick recap – a lady wrote to me saying she had been living in Europe for some time and was finding it difficult to accept her self, which was making her feel as if she had made the wrong choice in leaving home.
Hello Kate,
Thank you for your response to my letter. I appreciate all the things you wrote, it seems you really understood what I was saying and what I feel. It is hard being here at times and like you said I will have my highs and my lows so I should just focus on the highs. Without the family I am living with I know I would have gone back home a while ago.. But at times without the security of my family and my old home it can be hard.
In regards to the insecurities I've had for a long time I think it's mainly feeling very outcast ... I don't really know how to explain it exactly but I've always just felt disconnected and I guess that’s why I went overseas; as to find a way to become reconnected.
Things are getting better rather than worse though which is good but I always fear I will slip into the feeling of despair again and that thought always worries me. Like you said though, with time things will get better and I truly believe that.. So I will focus on that I think..
Thank you again Kate for listening... I have never expressed my feelings to such detail before...
(This reply has been slightly edited to ensure anonymity.)
Thank you for your letter and I am glad that some of the things written were useful to you. It seems as if you have more time to reflect and process what we have spoken about and what you would like to do in the future. It is great that you are staying with a supportive family though understandable that at times being with a great family must remind you of home a little more and that can be hard, but maybe you could talk to one of the adults and let them know how you are feeling and that you might need more support emotionally at certain times when you are finding things a little more difficult.
You say you have always felt outcast and disconnected I am wondering from whom? It sounds as if you are very close to your family so could it be friends at school/college? As I said previously you made a brave choice to come overseas and it sounds as if you are very connected with your host family, have you been able to make any friends since arriving? I wonder if being in a new country and meeting people with whom you have a blank canvass has made a difference to the way you connect with them. I feel that your confidence is growing and as that happens it simultaneously becomes easier to cope with the pressures of being away from loved ones.
You are doing really well and I am so pleased that you were able to express yourself by writing to me, sometimes it is easier to write then talk and keeping a journal maybe something that will help you reflect on how things are going and give you some self support if it’s difficult to talk to those around you.
Please take care and I hope that life overseas continues to improve for you and that I am sure that this experience will give you the confidence to connect with people and forge long lasting relationships that will continue long into the future.
All the best
Kate
Please keep the emails coming this is your page and remember you could be helping someone else by airing your concerns.
As ever the e-mail address is kate@ibizacounselling.com the web site can be found at www.ibizacousnelling.com
It's Good To Talk … Again
Thank you again to everyone who has shown an interest in the column, the letter below is a response to a letter that was originally published in the 29th June 2011 with a response, I have since heard from the lady concerned and thought you may be interested in how she is progressing.
The link for those on line is http://www.theibizasun.com/back_issues/29062011/ibiza_counselling.html
for those not on line a quick recap – a lady wrote to me saying she had been living in Europe for some time and was finding it difficult to accept her self, which was making her feel as if she had made the wrong choice in leaving home.
Hello Kate,
Thank you for your response to my letter. I appreciate all the things you wrote, it seems you really understood what I was saying and what I feel. It is hard being here at times and like you said I will have my highs and my lows so I should just focus on the highs. Without the family I am living with I know I would have gone back home a while ago.. But at times without the security of my family and my old home it can be hard.
In regards to the insecurities I've had for a long time I think it's mainly feeling very outcast ... I don't really know how to explain it exactly but I've always just felt disconnected and I guess that’s why I went overseas; as to find a way to become reconnected.
Things are getting better rather than worse though which is good but I always fear I will slip into the feeling of despair again and that thought always worries me. Like you said though, with time things will get better and I truly believe that.. So I will focus on that I think..
Thank you again Kate for listening... I have never expressed my feelings to such detail before...
(This reply has been slightly edited to ensure anonymity.)
Thank you for your letter and I am glad that some of the things written were useful to you. It seems as if you have more time to reflect and process what we have spoken about and what you would like to do in the future. It is great that you are staying with a supportive family though understandable that at times being with a great family must remind you of home a little more and that can be hard, but maybe you could talk to one of the adults and let them know how you are feeling and that you might need more support emotionally at certain times when you are finding things a little more difficult.
You say you have always felt outcast and disconnected I am wondering from whom? It sounds as if you are very close to your family so could it be friends at school/college? As I said previously you made a brave choice to come overseas and it sounds as if you are very connected with your host family, have you been able to make any friends since arriving? I wonder if being in a new country and meeting people with whom you have a blank canvass has made a difference to the way you connect with them. I feel that your confidence is growing and as that happens it simultaneously becomes easier to cope with the pressures of being away from loved ones.
You are doing really well and I am so pleased that you were able to express yourself by writing to me, sometimes it is easier to write then talk and keeping a journal maybe something that will help you reflect on how things are going and give you some self support if it’s difficult to talk to those around you.
Please take care and I hope that life overseas continues to improve for you and that I am sure that this experience will give you the confidence to connect with people and forge long lasting relationships that will continue long into the future.
All the best
Kate
Please keep the emails coming this is your page and remember you could be helping someone else by airing your concerns.
As ever the e-mail address is kate@ibizacounselling.com the web site can be found at www.ibizacousnelling.com
The link for those on line is http://www.theibizasun.com/back_issues/29062011/ibiza_counselling.html
for those not on line a quick recap – a lady wrote to me saying she had been living in Europe for some time and was finding it difficult to accept her self, which was making her feel as if she had made the wrong choice in leaving home.
Hello Kate,
Thank you for your response to my letter. I appreciate all the things you wrote, it seems you really understood what I was saying and what I feel. It is hard being here at times and like you said I will have my highs and my lows so I should just focus on the highs. Without the family I am living with I know I would have gone back home a while ago.. But at times without the security of my family and my old home it can be hard.
In regards to the insecurities I've had for a long time I think it's mainly feeling very outcast ... I don't really know how to explain it exactly but I've always just felt disconnected and I guess that’s why I went overseas; as to find a way to become reconnected.
Things are getting better rather than worse though which is good but I always fear I will slip into the feeling of despair again and that thought always worries me. Like you said though, with time things will get better and I truly believe that.. So I will focus on that I think..
Thank you again Kate for listening... I have never expressed my feelings to such detail before...
(This reply has been slightly edited to ensure anonymity.)
Thank you for your letter and I am glad that some of the things written were useful to you. It seems as if you have more time to reflect and process what we have spoken about and what you would like to do in the future. It is great that you are staying with a supportive family though understandable that at times being with a great family must remind you of home a little more and that can be hard, but maybe you could talk to one of the adults and let them know how you are feeling and that you might need more support emotionally at certain times when you are finding things a little more difficult.
You say you have always felt outcast and disconnected I am wondering from whom? It sounds as if you are very close to your family so could it be friends at school/college? As I said previously you made a brave choice to come overseas and it sounds as if you are very connected with your host family, have you been able to make any friends since arriving? I wonder if being in a new country and meeting people with whom you have a blank canvass has made a difference to the way you connect with them. I feel that your confidence is growing and as that happens it simultaneously becomes easier to cope with the pressures of being away from loved ones.
You are doing really well and I am so pleased that you were able to express yourself by writing to me, sometimes it is easier to write then talk and keeping a journal maybe something that will help you reflect on how things are going and give you some self support if it’s difficult to talk to those around you.
Please take care and I hope that life overseas continues to improve for you and that I am sure that this experience will give you the confidence to connect with people and forge long lasting relationships that will continue long into the future.
All the best
Kate
Please keep the emails coming this is your page and remember you could be helping someone else by airing your concerns.
As ever the e-mail address is kate@ibizacounselling.com the web site can be found at www.ibizacousnelling.com
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